I think I always knew this. I knew it but suppressed it somewhere deep, deep down because I didn’t want to admit that my childhood memories were concocted from commercially perpetuated falsehoods.

Other kids may have faced the truth with stoicism, but I was blissfully happy in my ignorance. Each colorful, milky bowl contained within it the laughter of tousle-headed children bantering over Saturday morning cartoons as they debated their favorite flavor.

But you want to know the kicker?

Those memories were based on a lie.

It didn’t matter which flavor you chose because they’re all the same. Yes. The truth is every loop was the same flavor—just with evil, misleading food coloring added. Oh, and that flavor? Evidently it’s known as “froot”. Convenient.

This was the first cereal I’d ever consumed in my life. No, not the first cereal I remember having. It is, in fact, the actual first cereal I’d ever tasted. And now that memory is tainted. TAINTED.

Toucan Sam, how could you?